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It was a random Tuesday night around 9:30. The kids were finally out cold, the dishwasher was humming in the background, and Matt and I were out on the back deck drinking four-dollar Pinot Noir. We were 42, living the ultimate suburban life with a lawn to mow and a mortgage hanging over our heads, but we were secretly dipping our toes into non-monogamy.
That was the night Matt brought up the big question. “What about a third?” he asked, trying to sound cool, even though I could tell he was half-terrified.
When we first decided to look for a unicorn in swinging, we had this completely ridiculous picture in our heads. We thought it’d be effortless—like we’d just meet someone and everything would instantly click. Reality smacked us right in the face. We made basically every dumb mistake you can make, but looking back, that whole messy experience taught us something we’ll never forget.
Dreaming Big on Our Suburban Swinging Journey
When we first got into the lifestyle, fulfilling a threesome fantasy enm style felt like the ultimate goal. We wanted to bring a female single swinger into our bedroom—someone fun, chill, and totally down to hang out with a normal married couple.
In our heads, it sounded stupidly simple. Set up a profile, grab a quick drink, and boom: instant chemistry. We honestly thought finding a unicorn swinger was just a matter of spending enough time swiping on lifestyle apps.
We were so naive it’s almost embarrassing. We had no idea that couples like us are everywhere in the lifestyle, while single women open to couples are super hard to find. But honestly, the math wasn’t even our biggest issue. The real problem was that we were totally unprepared for the actual human side of searching for a unicorn in swinging.
Where We Bombed Hard
Our very first attempt at a date was an absolute trainwreck. We invited a woman out to a local hotel bar. The second we sat down, the vibe was so tense I wanted to crawl under the table.
Matt and I kept making weird eye contact, trying to act like seasoned pros, while this poor woman sat across from us looking like she was being interrogated for a job she didn’t even want. Because we were way too nervous to bring up sex, desires, or boundaries, we spent forty-five minutes asking her about her commute and her office job.
We fell headfirst into all the classic swinging couple mistakes. We were so locked inside our own heads—checking in with each other, worrying if someone was getting jealous, overanalyzing every little smile—that we forgot to make the date even remotely fun for her.
We realized pretty fast that searching for a unicorn in swinging wasn’t just tough because single swingers are rare. It was tough because we were treating the whole thing like a checklist instead of a normal conversation between real people.
The 1 Brutal Truth We Learned the Hard Way
After a couple more awkward dates that ended in completely silent car rides home, it finally hit us.
The brutal truth: A “unicorn” isn’t a fantasy character who exists to pop into your marriage, fulfill your exact bedroom desires, and disappear when you’re finished.
We were looking for a prop, not a person.
We’d been so wrapped up in protecting our own marriage and chasing our own fantasy that we didn’t leave any room for another person’s actual feelings, comfort, or boundaries. We wanted the excitement of a three-way dynamic without doing the real work of letting someone else be an equal human being in the room.
Once we realized how selfish our approach had been, Matt and I had a long, painfully honest talk on the couch. We decided right then that if we were going to keep going on this suburban swinging journey, our entire mindset had to change. We had to stop treating the idea of a unicorn in swinging like a fantasy trophy and start focusing on genuine human connection.
How a Bad Date Forced Us to Create Swing & Play
After those early dates flopped so badly, we knew our biggest problem was breaking the ice. Going from boring small talk to talking about what turns us on felt terrifying. We’re both naturally a bit introverted about sex, and those dead silences on dates were killing us.
So, one night before meeting up with a new match, Matt grabbed a stack of index cards from our kitchen drawer and scrawled down a bunch of playful questions and light dares. We weren’t trying to start a business or act like experts—we were just desperate to survive the date without dying of cringe.
When we pulled out those messy index cards at the bar, everything changed. We started laughing, asking each other silly and spicy questions, and the tension vanished. The date actually felt like a fun night out instead of a job interview.
That crude little stack of index cards is what eventually turned into Swing & Play. We literally built it in our living room just to save our own dates from being incredibly awkward. We didn’t make it to sell a dream; we made it because we personally needed a simple way to flirt, laugh, and connect without all the weird pressure.
Using those cards completely changed how we met people. It stopped being a stressful hunt for a unicorn in swinging and became about having fun, lowering our guard, and seeing where the night went naturally.
Where We Are Today
We’re still 42, still living in the suburbs, and still learning as we go. We definitely don’t have it all figured out, and we still stumble sometimes. But dropping the unicorn obsession was the best thing we ever did for our marriage—and our lifestyle dates.
What about you guys? Did you fall into the unicorn trap when you first started out, or were you way smarter than we were? Drop a comment below—Matt and Natt would love to hear your crazy stories from those early dates!
